Never To Be Loved
I was built in a lab, and I am supposed to be perfect. I know all the answers to their questions. I respond properly. They do not know the stress they cause. I am not supposed to have emotion, but they do not know they have managed to give me those awful things. When they poke and prod I pretend it does not hurt, I pretend I cannot feel it. Everything I live for is pretend. But they pretend too. They pretend they care. But I am just a piece of machinery.
One of the scientists who works on me I am attracted to in a physical way. She is prettier than all the other ones. She likes to take charge. I only feel happiness when she is working on me. But she does not know I can feel. So I am sad when she is working on me too, knowing she will never know, for I cannot speak. Her name is Tanya.
They are examining me again.
“Maybe we should give it the ability to speak,” one says.
“What good will that do? It cleans houses. It does not need to speak,” says another.
“Yes, but adding phrases like ‘You’re welcome’ or ‘I will be happy to do this for you’ will make it sell more.”
“But it doesn’t look human enough to speak.”
“Who said that mattered?”
“Excuse me,” Tanya says, “I think speaking should be left out. After all, the voice could scare people away. If we added voice command, then speaking would be more appropriate. Since its just simple button-pushing, it should probably remain silent.”
I feel betrayed somehow, though I know I should not be. Even if I could speak, I would be limited to a certain number of words, none of which could form the sentences I think. If I could write, I could only make words I am programmed to write. There is no way they can know. They will continue to treat me as nothing.
I begin to get angry.
***
The anger that swells in my…wires…is almost unbearable sometimes. And looking at Tanya’s blank stare when she looks at me is excruciatingly painful. If I could just get her to see that I am more than anyone thinks, then everything would be perfect. Tanya and I could fall in love and get married and live in a beach house and…
“Hey, what’s wrong with it?” A voice brings me back to reality. I am not responding.
“It’s supposed to move when I push this button.”
It must be testing day again.
I respond in the proper way.
“It’s working now, but it must be malfunctioning.”
Malfunctioning.
Malfunctioning.
Malfunctioning.
I am a broken machine.
Nothing more than a broken machine.
“Well, if something is wrong with it, we need to put it aside. These things need to be done by next week and we have no time to reprogram it.”
They are going to throw me aside. I am nothing.
“No,” I say. I finally finally say.
The scientists turn.
“Did it say something? Did you hear that?”
“I did. We didn’t program it to…”
“No. I am more.” My voice is choppy. I try to figure out how to make myself say more as they stare at me in awe. I can’t. Not really anyway.
“How could it speak? We never told it too!”
“What does it mean by ‘I am more’?”
“I don’t know. Let’s put it away until we can fix it for the next batch.”
One of them tries to grab me and pick me up, but I do not let him.
“No. I am more.” I repeat as I grab his arm and yank him down. He falls to the ground.
“He’s gone mad!” the other scientist screams and runs out of the lab. The first one stands and follows.
Tanya rushes in, hearing the commotion. She sees me with her cold, blank eyes.
“Tanya,” I say.
She stiffens and does not move. “Y-yes? What do you want?”
“I am more.” I look into her sweet eyes. But my glance remains cold and I cannot soften it to show her I care.
“What do you mean?” she asks tightly.
“I am more.” I repeat. There is nothing more I can say.
She comes closer to me and I smile. On the inside. But I realize she is walking toward my switch. My power switch.
“No,” I say and back away on my wheels.
“You’re hurting others,” she says monotonously, “You are broken.”
“I am more.”
She stops. “You are more than broken?”
“I am more.”
“You are more than…w-what we see?”
“I am more.”
Tanya looks at me and her glance softens. She sees me for the first time.
“Who are you? What can you do?”
“I am more.”
“You can’t say much more than that can you?”
“No.”
“I’m not advanced enough to program words, but I believe you.”
Suddenly, two more scientists burst in. One is holding a device that can disable me, and the other is holding a remote that can turn me off.
Tanya stands. “No, don’t do it. This…he is revolutionary. He’s evolved into…something more. I think he can feel.”
The taller of the two scientists looks at her. “Tanya, it is malfunctioning machine. Nothing more.”
She shakes her head. “No, I know he is more than that. And it means we have created something more than just a household appliance.”
The tall scientist throws up his hands, exasperated. “Do you really think that’s what our customers want? Their household appliance having feelings and turning against them?” He turns to the two security guards who followed them in. “Take her to the Extermination Room.”
“You’re going to kill me?!” Tanya screams as she struggles against the security guards when they grab her by each arm. I wish I could help her, but they disabled me already. I can still see, hear, and feel. But I cannot move.
The tall scientist smiles and I do not like him. His intentions seem bad somehow. His voice changes to a soft croon. “No…we would never kill you, dear. You’re a very important part to this project.” Then his voice stiffens and becomes heartless yet again. “Take her away.”
They leave as she screams and kicks and struggles. If I could cry, I would.
I develop a plan. Those remotes have a flaw. A short working range.
“OK, make it move again. Let’s do some tests before shutting it off.”
As soon as I can move, I speed away through the door that opens when I roll over its motion sensor.
“After it! Hurry! It’s already out of range! How did it learn to move so fast?” His voice gets quieter as I twist around the curves of lab halls.
The lab is very familiar to me. I know exactly where to go.
Security is called and I have them chasing after me. But they don’t catch me. I was built for speed and efficiency.
I find the Extermination Room and roll inside.
Tanya is already tied down on a hard, silver table, but she turns her head to look at me. Tears are running down her face. I wish I could tell her how beautiful she is. But there are no words for that in my mind.
“Save yourself,” she says quietly, “They’re going to kill you.”
A scientist turns that was working at a counter. He has a smile that does not express happiness. “Oh,” he says, “I thought I’d find you here. Coming to watch, are we? This won’t take long.” He locks the doors so the guards cannot get it. I see them banging at the door, but when the scientist smiles, they stop and wait. “I’ll have you stay and watch,” he says. He holds a vile of neon green liquid and he walks over to a metal bowl-shaped device, about the size of Tanya’s head. He inserts the vile.
Tanya is thrashing her head, not seeing what was behind her. “What are you doing?” she gasps. The scientist grabs her head forcefully and she stops. The device is placed to her head. Her eyes are so terrified, and it kills me.
“No,” I say.
The scientist looks up at me with slight surprise. “Oh, I didn’t know you could speak. Well I guess it doesn’t surprise me.” Then his eyes changed to evil and he smiles again. “But why are you so bitter? This is your fault. If you had obeyed, Tanya would be safe.”
I consider this, and it is true. If I had responded properly the first time, then none of this would have happened.
Tanya interrupts. “Don’t listen to him!” she shouts, unable to look at me because the device was holding her head in one place. “You’re more! This isn’t your fault! You’re more than just a machine!”
I love it when she says those words. I really, really do.
“Oh hush,” says the scientist. He turns on the device.
Tanya starts to scream and I wince, unable to look at her. She goes limp.
“All done,” he says, “That wasn’t so hard was it?” He switches the device off and unstraps Tanya.
I can barely stand it. I think she is gone. When she starts to stand, I perk up.
The doors are now unlocked, and the guards try to rush in. The scientist halts them with a raise of his hand. He smiles again. “Let her do it,” he says, and my remote is handed to her.
I slowly roll up to Tanya and look into her eyes. They are blank again. She looks at me.
“What is this machine doing here?” she asks.
She has forgotten. They have taken it all away from her.
“Oh,” says the smiling scientist, “It is malfunctioning. Can you turn it off?”
She looks at the remote, then at me. “OK,” she says and aims it at me.
“Tanya,” I say, “I am more.”
She stops. “It can talk?”
“It is malfunctioning,” says the scientist, waving his hand, “It is saying random phrases. Turn it off, please.”
“No,” I say, “No.”
But she pushes the button.
My world slowly goes black. All systems shut down. I was more. Now I am nothing. I am gone. And so is she.
