Juror Number Nine: Life is Temporary, Love Lasts Forever
When I was seventeen, I fell in love. In high school, many boys fell for my good looks and my humor. I only found one man. He was different than all the others. When he approached me for the first time, he gave me some money I had dropped; a quarter. Then he walked away. He didn’t even try to flirt with me, or try to impress me. Funny thing is, he did impress me without even trying. I knew he was an honest man, and I knew he wasn’t a silly boy, flirting with good-looking women without even trying to get to know them first. I knew, from that point on, I would love that man forever.
At first, when trying to approach this man, he built a wall and ignored me. After multiple attempts, though, he opened right up. That got me noticing his eyes. They were like storm clouds, but so full of life. His hair was thick and curly, and it looked like the clouds I float on in my dreams. He had enough muscle to beat up anyone who crossed his path, but hid them to avoid competition. These characteristics only made me love him more. As we got to know each other, we became very close. Therefore, the day before I left for college, he proposed. I accepted and we were, fortunately, able to stay in love while we were separated. Finally, I returned with a college degree, and we were married. I knew we would be together forever.
After two years of renting apartments, I told him I wanted to raise a family. I could tell he was skeptical, but after a bit of convincing, he agreed. He was still hesitant, and I didn’t know why. I thought maybe he was thinking of the obstacles he would have to overcome. I, on the other hand, was only thinking of the rewards. True, those are important things to consider, but we weren’t exactly rich or anything, nor did we have much room. I had a part-time job and he had a small full-time job. At least he was willing to try.
“Janet,” he said two weeks later, after trying a couple times, “You know I will always love you right?”
Surprised by his tone, I replied, “Of course I will, Thomas.”
“And you know that nothing I ever say or do means I want to hurt you?”
“Yes Thomas, I know that.”
“…I don’t want kids.”
I’m not sure what happened, but I became overwhelmed with emotion. I knew what was coming and turned away from him.
“Jan? Honey, please don’t cry. I’m sorry, I just never wanted kids. I…I thought you knew. I’m…I’m sorry…” his voice trailed.
“No, no Thomas, don’t apologize for something that isn’t your fault. I overreacted, that’s all. We don’t have to have kids.” I calmed down quickly.
Unfortunately, without my knowing, it was too late. I had noticed the signs, but ignored them. So, a month later, I decided to be sure. Then I approached Thomas.
“Thomas,” I said, “You know I love you right?”
“What happened, Janet?” he replied, concerned, and far from scared. “Whatever happened, we’ll work through it. I promise.”
“I’m pregnant.”
I knew he wasn’t expecting that. He slowly sank into a chair with his head in his hands.
“Let me clarify something Thomas. It was probably from the two weeks we were trying. You decided not to have kids too late.”
He looked up at me. “So it is mine?”
“Oh my goodness gracious! Of course it’s yours! What, don’t you trust me?”
“I trust you. I was just making sure.” He spoke in a low voice, as if that will make the problem go away.
About eight months later, we had a beautiful baby girl. We named her Carly. She slept on the floor until very gracious neighbors gave us their old crib and changing table. We barely had enough diapers to get by each month and we were living off of food stamps. Still, I was happy we had a baby, and so was he. I could see the love in his eyes.
Finally, after sleepless nights and having to sacrifice food to feed our baby, we were finally able to get enough money to rent a house with two bedrooms. After that, the man who didn’t want kids got a well-paying job to support his new family. Although we couldn’t use a dime of his paycheck for anything but necessities for a long time, he never complained.
Carly turned into a fine, young woman. She’s not the one I’m worried about. I think we raised her well, but as the day grew closer for her to leave home, something changed. Maybe my dear husband couldn’t handle Carly leaving well. I don’t blame him. It wasn’t as if I wasn’t sad my daughter was leaving to travel the world. It was just that he took it harder than I would have ever thought. After Carly left, his eyes lost its spark.
When I asked him what was going on, he ignored me. Then, that night he answered me.
“Janet I can’t take it.”
“Take what Thomas?”
“I can’t take losing someone. I’ve already lost my grandparents, my parents, my brother…I just can’t take it.”
“Then why did you marry me?” I asked.
“That was before I lost my brother, and he was the final straw.”
“But Carly isn’t dead or anything.”
“She might as well be. She wants to travel the world, Janet, like you used to. Carly’ll hardly visit.”
“But you got over your brother and everyone else.”
“No I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did. You still had the spark in your eye.”
“That was only when I was around you. Do you realize how many times I’ve contemplated suicide? You’re the only person keeping me alive! Now that Carly’s gone, I realize you’re next.”
I wished I could comfort him, but I really couldn’t. I had developed more health problems than him. It was possible he would go first, but if I said that, he would only disagree.
“Carly will lose us, eventually,” I tried adding.
“Years from now,” he replied, “I’m retired. I have nothing left. Carly will have lots to do when we’re gone. When I lose you, I’ll have nothing.”
“’If’ Thomas, not ‘when.’”
“Stop it, Janet. You know that…I…I don’t want to discuss this anymore. Never again.”
“But…”
“Janet. Never again.”
As I watched him slowly decay emotionally, it became harder to keep going. Soon his laugh was gone, then his smile. I was losing him because he thought he was losing me.
Three mortifying years later, I started getting migraines. At first, I thought it was stress related, but they kept getting worse. I could see things in the color they shouldn’t be, and no pain meds could make it go away.
After the CAT scan, a brain tumor was discovered. I couldn’t bear to look my husband in the eye. I don’t want to see that much pain.
Ever since then, things have been a mess. I know I’m dying, Thomas, but I wish you could move on. I have something for you. I think it will help. Now I never have to leave. It’s the quarter. The one I dropped all those years ago. I kept it, because I didn’t want you to leave me either.
Don’t be upset Carly won’t come to my funeral. She’ll come around. She just doesn’t want to think I’ll go, but I’m asking them to unplug me tonight.
You know I love you Thomas, right? You know I always will? That quarter helped me remember that you loved me when I couldn’t see you. It’ll help you too. My only regret is not being able to see your spark come back.
Yours until Forever Ends,
Janet
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